Distinguishing Emotional Abuse From Constructive Criticism

Almost anyone can handle some criticism now and then, even from a loved one. Although one might imagine "emotional abuse" to be something like constant criticism. It is that, but on a much deeper level.

Constructive criticism is a necessary and healthy component of any relationship. Constructive criticism is aimed toward solving a problem. Emotional abuse is just the opposite. It is generally aimed at creating problems and comes from individuals who feel empowered by creating conflict simply for the thrill of winning a battle, whatever it may be.

When these battles amount to a pattern of consistent behavior over time, they can have a major impact on those being targeted. As confrontation and lack of compassion become normalized, a victim's self-perception is called into question and altered over time.

The form of criticism used by an emotionally abusive person are not at all the same as those used by a well-intentioned friend or loved one. Instead, emotional abuse is typically subtle and persistent, but inconsistent and deeply offensive on a very personal level. These two components are significant factors in an emotionally abusive relationship: Inconsistency (alternating with compliments to maintain trust) and the use of language or actions which attack or quietly devalue a person's core character and dignity. With long-term repetition, become part of the victim's self-identity. They may feel devalued and unworthy love from anyone other than their abuser. This is how a victim becomes emotionally imprisoned.

The human need for love is our most powerful driving force. Victims are often isolated from others who might provide care and compassion, becoming entirely dependent on their abuser. But, because the love they receive is inconsistent and unpredictable, achieving those moments, and the struggle to secure it, becomes the primary focus of daily life.

In the end, emotional abuse is nothing like a direct insult. Emotionally abusive criticism causes confusion and avoids clarity, creating mental chaos and prolonged insecurity without resolution. It is a sustained pattern of subtle and insidious degradation which steals a person's emotional security and causes them to devalue themselves, affecting all other relationships and actions.